Ok, so I’ve been really bad these last few months, like REALLY bad, like no exercising, eat whatever the heck I want and don’t care kind of bad.

I could talk about stress, fights and all sorts of excuses but I’ll just say I’ve been lazy.

This last weekend hasn’t helped what with Halloween and all. I desperately need to just get behind myself and tell myself I can do it and will do it.

I want the next photos I put up of me to be better than the last, not worse like they would be right now.

Period.

So, I decided today (since I found my bathing suit bottoms) to do another body picture and measurement count.

Here’s the results:

Chest: 37″
Waist: 32.5″
Hips: 41.75″
Right Thigh: 23″
Left Thigh: 23.5″
Right Arm: 11.75
Left Arm: 12.25

Not bad considering my previous measurements were:

chest: 37″
waist: 33″
hips: 43″
left thigh: 24″
right thigh: 25″
left arm: 12.5″
right arm: 12″

and here’s the shots:

All things considered I didn’t think I’d done so well, I honestly thought I would have grown.

Full disclosure, I haven’t been exercising near as much as I should have been. I’m the queen of excuses, luckily C has been on me knowing that I want to do better and that I really won’t stay mad at him when he forces me to “Shred to be fed”

I’m still working towards that 5 k, but let me tell you, it’s a LOT harder to keep going when I’m out there on my own. When C is with me I have to prove it to him as well as myself.

When I’m out on my own, there are a ton of other things I think I should be doing.

I just have to be tougher.

So, I’m not doing the couch to 5k program anymore…

*gasp* I know.

The reason being, I find it’s too slow for me. C pointed out to me recently that the couch to 5k program is really for people who haven’t led active lives at all. It’s to get people’s bodies used to running, or even just exercising.

It really is COUCH to 5k

I was holding myself back with it by telling myself that because I haven’t been as active in the last 2 years, I’ve lost ALL my endurance and had to start at the basics.

I’ve realized now that I’m stronger than that.

Instead of running week whatever of the couch to 5k program, I’m now running approximately 1.5 km each jog, and working to get better at that, get those times down and then I’ll start stretching it out to a further distance.

Right now I’m averaging about a half hour jog for the 1.5 k plus the 0.5 k warm up walk and 0.5 k cool down walk.

I’d like to get that down to about 20 minutes in the next couple of weeks. It’s really just a matter of pushing.

I’ve found some interesting things about myself with jogging that I didn’t know. I used to think jogging was beyond me. I have a bummed knee that I’ve had surgery on, and I think that’s also been holding me back.

My doctors have all told me that any impact sport isn’t good for my knee and I should avoid them. So I’ve essentially kept myself from going any higher than a fast walk for the last 10 years (not including dancing… I’m not sure how I justified all the jumping to myself but in my head, dancing wasn’t an impact sport….)

I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t like jogging, running or anything like that, and so I never started it.

Since I started jogging I realized I was very wrong. I love it, I love being in nature, I love feeling my body start to work, pushing myself past the points where I don’t think I can go any further and proving to myself it can be done.

I mentioned a fight with my mom in a recent post, and most people probably think it’s just a normal fight, but it goes further than that.

I grew up with abuse from a stepfather that is no longer in my life thank God. I have managed to strive past that and to prove to myself that I am stronger than what he did to me and I know that if I ever see him again I will be able to stand up tall, look him in the eye and tell him that he didn’t win… that I’m stronger than him and always will be.

Unfortunately, because in our family dynamic, I was the one who was low on the totem pole, it sometimes feels like my mom and brother didn’t get the memo that once the dirtbag left, I no longer was the bottom of the totem pole, I was now equal.

A lot of the fights I have with my family right now is trying to get them to see that some of what they’re doing is bordering on the abuse I went through as a kid. However, they are blind to what they do, and I feel that they aren’t learning from it, and that I may be falling back into that pattern of abuse victim.

The jogging has helped me keep in perspective that I am strong, I can push past these tough parts and it’s helped me get that angry and bad energy turned into some positive exercise and endorphins.

With any luck the strength I get from jogging will continue into other parts of my life and I will be able to continue to be strong and move past what’s happening.

I just hope my family will see that we can be happy, things just need to change.

Maybe I can get them to start jogging too….

Nah..

I don’t feel like keeping a post about me complaining about my Mom at the top of my blog (since I’m VERY bad at regularly posting). So I’m going to put my soup recipe that I made on the weekend.

Yummy Soup that Worked

1 Package of Mushroom Ravioli
1 box container of Campbells Chicken Broth (This is just what I used)
4 Cups Water
1/2 head of broccolli chopped (or frozen broccolli if you don’t have fresh)
3-4 leaves of bok choy chopped
Garlic Salt, Pepper, thyme, oregano, cajun spice to taste

Put Chicken Broth and Water into a large pot and bring to a boil. Add spices to taste (I do take a sip of my soup broth to see if I like it before adding anything else)

Add ravioli and boil until al dente.

Add broccolli and bok choy and simmer until they are soft (about 1-2 minutes max), add any more spices if you feel you need them.

Eat or allow to cool, package and freeze, or throw in the fridge.

This made enough soup for 4 lunches, but they were pretty big containers. It would easily feed 4 people.

So…. I had a fight with my mom.

Usually this isn’t too big of a deal for most people, you have a fight, make up and get over it, but fights with my mom can be catastrophic.

I don’t want to get into the fight because I’m trying to deal with it and if I started into it, this would be one big whiny post.

So, suffice it to say, it was a bad fight. And as much as I wish I could take that and push through it, or be one of those people who gets mad and goes out for a jog, I’m not.

Nope, instead I wandered around my house like a zombie for a bit and when I came to, I realized I’d polished off half a container of Hagen Daas Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream without really even realizing it.

Not good.

Unfortunately, Mom is the one who’s pushing the most for me to lose wieght (see the , mom wants me to look anorexic post..) however when we get into a fight like this, the last thing I want to do is please her (or go so over the top pleasing her that she leaves me alone…. I missed one family function and she lost it, so no I’m going to all of them, no matter what I’ve got scheduled.)

I figure maybe reverse psychology works on parents too…

Anyway, needless to say I really couldn’t care about exercizing or eating properly right now, but luckily C is very good to me and I know he’ll push for me to continue.

If nothing else, maybe the exercize will get those endorphines working over time and I’ll get happy again.

For now, I’ll eat my home made soup (which actually turned out really yummy this time), because I was good on Saturday and made a whole pot.

I just wish I could figure out a way to not let my mom hurt me like this, because it’s clear she doesn’t want to change or compromise anything, and there are just some areas that I can’t bend.

So, I have found my helper…

Not that I was really looking for one, but at least I’ll stay on track.

It’s my Fiancé “C”, he’s been really good at making sure I keep my “Date” with Jillian Michaels when I get home, get up early enough to get some stuff done, and keep buying fresh fruits and veggies (and cut them up to make sure I’ll eat them).

Today he took it one step further.

I’ve started the couch to 5 km program, and I was thrilled today to find the Podcast that tells you when to walk and when to jog. As I downloaded it and we started to head out to get groceries, I mentioned that I figured I would do 30 day shred, or go for a jog when we got back.

He said he felt like jogging too so let’s do that.

He then said that I wasn’t allowed to do couch to 5 km today because I was jogging with him.

Essentially, since I’m only a couple years away from my very active dance life, he knew I could do more than what couch to 5 km is. So he pushed me.

We went to the local high school track, and as we started the first lap at a walk to warm up, he told me that I was going to do 4.5 laps at a jog, no walking, whether I liked it or not because he knew I could.

Well… I did 1500 m today and yikes am I tired.

But I’m proud. I didn’t think I could do it and I hadn’t been pushing myself.

Now I have Sundays to look forward to when C and I go out for a run. I’m going to keep doing couch to 5 km during the week to help get my endurance back up, but I will push to do more on Sundays.

It’s nice to have a pusher.

So I’ve managed to do 1 more day of the couch to 5 km program, but kind of ran out of time to get that third jog in this week. I’m hoping to get out tomorrow morning before church though.

Thursday I managed to do a quick pilates “energy boost” thing that is only about 15 minutes. Not as good as 30 Day Shred, but at least I got some exercize going.

The end of this week has been brutal!

My dad and his wife were in town and we went out to dinner at a nice restaurant. It’s a steak house, but I decided to take a healthy chouice and go with salmon and fresh greens! Very yummy and probably bett er for me.

The next morning, we went out to breakfast with my dad and his wife before I went to work (Dad lives in Vancouver British Columbia, and I live in Southern Ontario so we don’t get to see each other a lot). We went to Cora’s (a VERY over the top breakfast restaurant in Canada), and I got 2 poached eggs on rye with some cottage cheese and fruit. I’m really not into cottage cheese but I managed to eat a couple bites of it. I only ate the eggs and toast for breakfast, and save the fruit for when I got the munchies at work (good me!)

I then had a pasta salad for dinner (made by my soon to be hubby) and we did an appr. 3 KM hike up the paths at the gorge where we’d had a picnic dinner with some friends. I made sure to jog up the hills, and I was keeping an eye on one of the kids, helping to work out his energy.

Unfortunately, after that we went down to get ice cream from McDonalds, and Hubby and I split chicken nuggets and fries.

Today I had a good breakfast, pizza and a doughnut while workingo n a volunteer renovation with some friends. I’m about to head out to a barbeque with them and I’m hoping to keep my portions down to a normal size.

I missed my exercize today, unless you count the renovating, of which I didn’t do a lot, but I’m hoping to get out and do more tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

*groan*

So I’ve actually managed to do 3 days in a row of 30 day shred, and later this evening I’ll see about doing day 4, but I may skip it today because I did something else.

I started the Couch to 5 Km program. However I think I made a few mistakes.

Firstly I went out at 3 in the afternoon, only the hotest time of day. Secondly when I got back, I think I drank my water too quickly, so now I’m feeling a little off.

Next time I’ll rethink that part of it.

I’m still doing good with the addition of vegetables to my snack food, and hummus as the only dip I have with it.

I even introduced my hubby and his friend to the joy of lettuce wraps last night. Hubby wasn’t so keen on it without the tortillas, but his buddy liked it.

Anyway, I think I need to go lie down now.

Ugh, hopefully this gets easier soon.

Ok I have to admit, I’ve been very lax in my exercise and eating habits.

However I have noticed some things about myself over the last… month since I posted.

First off, my motivation sucks! Unless I enjoy doing something (like dance) and have an instructor yelling at me and pushing me to do better, I really don’t do much. I make excuses about being tired, or that I’m busy (yeah, being on the computer or reading a book).

To counter this, I have a prize to hold in front of me right now. This last weekend my Mom, Gramma and I went to get information on how to clean her dress. In the process, I went to try it on…. it didn’t fit. Actually it was just really around my arms that it got stuck, and it may have been that the sleeves were twisted making it pull more, but still, the thing was tight. So in order to make sure that the dress fits me, I am definitely going to push myself harder.

That being said, I’ve decided that I’m going to set a schedule for myself and DO IT!! When I get home, I’m going to do 30 Day Shred, every night, period. No excuses, no “We got home late and I’m tired” I’m doing it.

I will take days off if I’m around other people (if we go to the cottage with friends I’m not having them watch me exercise), but I figure if we’re out and about like that I’ll be doing other activities, like water skiing, or swimming, or whatever that will be in lieu of the 30 Day Shred.

I have other videos that I may switch it up with, however the other videos are much longer, 45 minutes to an hour versus 20 minutes. So we’ll see how that goes.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that as far as eating goes, my body doesn’t realize when it’s full.

Either that or I’ll be full, but then 10 minutes later I’ll be hungry again, and without thinking I’ll grab something to eat. So what I really have to watch is that when I think I’m hungry but I know I’ve already eaten, I need that will power and motivation to kick in and remind myself that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I’m hungry when I’ve just eaten 2 cups worth of vegetables.

Thirdly, I’m an emotional eater. I never realized it until I looked back over my weekend. I was doing ok for healthy food Friday and Saturday morning, but when I found out that I didn’t fit the dress, and that I HAD to go on a diet, I went home and polished off a container of Hagen Daas Cookie Dough Ice Cream.

I didn’t even realize I was eating it. So now that has to go.

To curb this, I went to http://www.livestrong.com/ and signed up for their daily plate. I’m actually figuring out what I’m going to be eating during the day and putting it in before I eat it. So by the time I get to work, I already have lunch and dinner taking up the calories they’re going to use. That way, if I get the munchies, I can decide if it’s worth it to eat that granola bar or whatever by looking at my calorie count left.

I’m also trying to make sure that I hit the calorie count every day, because the reason it’s there is to let you know where you should be to accomplish your goals. I know if I short change on that limit too much, I’m not getting enough calories and I’ll make myself sick.

So with any luck these strategies will help my motivation and see me actually taking the steps to having a more fit body and being where I’m most comfortable weight wise.

However, considering I’m only a size 10, I say bull when my mom tries once again to tell me that I’m getting fat.

So I mentioned unflattering pictures, and I’m delivering. First, however, I’d like to take a trip to my weight past.

To start off, I’d like to show you these pictures:

As much as you think you’re looking at pictures of me as a young pre teen, sadly, this is me just 5 years ago.  I’m 5′5″ and at this point in time I was 95 pounds. I fully admit I was unhealthy, unhappy and had a terrible body image. Unfortunately, these pictures show me at the weight and size that my Mom feels is ideal. She would love it if I dropped back to this size.

Around this time I went on some hormones and it brought my body to the realization that I was an adult and should start looking like it. I put on weight rapidly (I went up to 130 pounds in about 6-9 months) but I plateaued and I truely believe it was my body catching up. I was now at a healthy weight and had a much better body image.

I don’t really have any pictures from this time, other than me wearing a costume (at least not any that show my full body) so here’s the best I could do.

This is around the time that I was doing a lot of dance and was in very good shape. It was also at this time that two guys joked about how you could probably bounce coins off my rear… and I let them do it because it was funny (yes they were friends).

This is actually my ideal, when I was this weight I felt the best I ever had, I loved my body, and I felt pretty! This is what I’m aiming for with my exercising. To get here however, I don’t need to diet like crazy, I just need to get my fitness level back up close to the 4 hours of dance I was doing at this time.

Before I get to the really bad pictures (Yes I’m trying to bury them), here are a couple of pictures that I recently took to remind myself that even if I’m a bit heavier and less fit than I’d like to be, I really needed to ignore my mother when she claimed I was fat.

As you can see, I’m a bit bigger, but not much. What’s really bothered me is that I’ve lost so much muscle because I’m not working it.

Now using Jill’s format (from Bodies in Motivation) I’m going to put my current measurements here first, then the pictures.

weight: 145-150 pounds
chest: 37″
waist: 33″
hips: 43″
left thigh: 24″
right thigh: 25″
left arm: 12.5″
right arm: 12″

And now, the really bad pictures. I was going to wear my bikini, but I could only find the top, so I decided to put on a pair of my dance shorts, thinking it may hold me in. HA no, it just shows the flaws worse. Oh well… here’s where I am right now:

And now that I’ve got this up, I’m going to go do my 20 minutes of 30 Day Shred… because apparently I have a long way to go… 1 year 1 and a half months till the wedding… can I fit my dress?